February 12th, 2021
Doctors report they've found over 341 new types of guys in my heart, lungs and prostate alone—by even the most optimistic estimates I will be dead by Easter Sunday
I think the prevalence of developing new and theoretical guys to get mad at online can be traced directly back to the tacit understanding by many of us that the Internet is now a place you log onto and immediately ruin your life by getting too specific about something.
My general rule of thumb is that every time someone tweets vaguely about an all-encompassing type of person they’ve encountered online, for the most part you can reduce the implied amount of guy (or gal!) by multiple orders of magnitude to get an accurate idea of what they’re talking about. I’d hasten to say that at most many of us know like, a handful of people who engage in a behavior we find distasteful, but calling it out as being specific to them isn’t really an option because you either a.) are mutually acquainted with this person online and it would be awkward if they pierced the veil of your tactical subtweet which is 100% going to happen because we’re not particularly subtle or good at gossip or b.) fear reprisal because Twitter’s search function make it basically a direct pipeline from viral tweeting to having your life ruined.
Plus, as my wise friend Tom noted, talking shit about one person feels petty and small and like a personal problem, but implying there’s a whole army of orcs who love living in expensive lofts and quoting Mark Fisher in articles they’ve written about the arts feels downright virtuous. It’s not, but you’d be forgiven for fudging the numbers a little bit. We all do!
To be honest though, I say we should keep doing it until the internet shuts down or we all get our shit together, get crew cuts and get a job that requires you to wear a suit and tie. If the only thing that makes being online bearable to you is imagining there’s an entire army of guys who listen to Cum Town and categorically insist that the films of Agnès Varda pale in comparison to Con Air (1997) that you can turn beet red and fuming over 24/7, more power to you. Get out there and have fun with it you lovable little scamp!
The Game Zone: Devil May Cry 5 (2019)
At its core, Devil May Cry 5 is a game about how cool it would be to wear a big jacket and tell a demon to suck your ass before cutting it in two with a sword that’s also a gun and a chainsaw at the same time. It’s also about getting graded for how well you hit buttons but it’s first and foremost a game about what the least cool people alive (video game developers that aren’t Hideki Kamiya) think is cool.
This is a REAL thing that happens in this game and I am beside myself with anger that I haven’t gotten to this part yet
Basically the plot of Devil May Cry 5 is that a big devil tree has landed smack-dab in the middle of Red Grave City and it’s suckin’ up everyone’s blood! That’s not your blood you shit-ass tree, give it back right now!
The only three people who are badass enough to stop this evil tree and the demon king Urizen who’s just vibing inside it are the legendary demon hunter Dante (who as of writing this newsletter I haven’t gotten to play as yet) and Nero, who has to use cool prosthetic hands because his demon arm (long story) got stolen by a weird guy in a robe and also has a sword he can rev up like a motorcycle (stupid/awesome). There’s also V, a mysterious husky-voiced little giogolo who looks like if Adam Driver was a Suicide Girl.
How many wrong turns do you have to take in one life to reach this level of personal style
V in particular sucks absolute shit and so obviously I’m obsessed with him. Physically he’s very weak so all he can do is wander around the battlefield reciting William Blake poems while his familiars, a shadow panther and a bird with a Brooklyn accent, do the heavy lifting, but they can’t kill demons themselves (it’s against demon union rules). So one of V’s input commands lets him stab his cool silver cane into a demon once its hit points are gone. Although the game initially tricks you into thinking you’ll have to slowly swagger up to a stunned demon to do this every time it happens, mercifully it eventually lets you immediately warp to a stunned demon if you lock onto it and press a certain command.
Ironically enough I actually get better combat ratings as V than I do as Nero (including getting the much-vaunted “Smokin’ Sexy Style” or SSS rank) because whacking a demon as this weak little man gives you a huge bump to your combo bonus and I’m playing the game on Auto Mode. Auto Mode is basically the equivalent of getting your older brother to beat the levels for you, because it makes it so no button you actually press matters in the flow of combat and you just of do whatever the game figures the best attack is at any particular moment.
It’s not as interestingly utilized as the similar feature in Nier: Automata where you get to customize what the game controls vs. what you do, but I gotta come clean for anyone who’s disappointed in my decision to use a crutch in an action style game: I’m 30 now and I mostly just want to see the buckwild demon boss designs the DMC team cooked up. Sue me! I’m not figuring out the input command for an “air hike".
The Sweetie of the Week: Nico from Devil May Cry 5 (2019)
I love your version of “These Days,” queen—will you build me a cool prosthetic shoulder made out of demon parts?
I didn’t have a lot of time to do shit outside of play DMC5 this week, but congratulations to Nicoletta “Nico” Goldstein for being the best character in that game and the creep zone’s third “Sweetie of the Week”.
Nico kicks ass. Her job is basically to drive around in a big-ass Winnebago with “DEVIL MAY CRY” written on the side in neon piping and let your characters upgrade themselves with red orbs, which the game helpfully explains are crystalized demon blood. She also makes new prosthetics for Nero out of demon parts he finds on slain bosses and will—presumably—be responsible for making new Devil Arms for Dante once I finally get to play as him.
Basically, Nico has huge jock energy and is constantly telling the three protagonists to shut the hell up and bring her more demon parts whenever they start getting too big for their britches, and she’s so thoroughly cowed Nero that when he breaks one of her prosthetic arms in combat his voice actor has a line that’s just “shit—sorry Nico!”
It’s also a recurring gag in the game that you can call her via a payphone near the end of each level to spend your red orbs and, even though Red Grave City has been completely mega-fucked by the giant blood-sucking tree growing in the middle of it, she always finds some…creative ways to get her huge Winnebago exactly where it needs to be:
There’s all sorts of weapons with stupid names in this game—Red Queen, Yamato, Rebellion, Ebony & Ivory—but Nico’s huge van is the deadliest of them all IMO
Capcom needs to make a super special re-release of DMC5 where you can play as Nico’s winnebago ASAP, and that’s my last thought on the matter.
The Digestif: “I’m A Man,” Pissed Jeans
Sometimes against your wishes you hear a song that completely reformats your brain and for the last two years that song has been “I’m A Man” by Pissed Jeans. Sometimes when you’re having a bad time all you need to pick you up is ~3 minutes of the most unhinged monologue ever written set to the absolutely most driving drum beat of all time, and I won’t apologize for that.
See all you doofuses next week—and so help me DON’T YOU FORGET THE PAPER CLIPS!
XOXO,
Devil May Creep